Funny Apple

Q: What did the apple say to the orange?

A: I despise you for being different from me.

Idiots Jokes

The mailperson rings the doorbell and as says: I have a parcel here, but the name on its obliterated.

Smiths says: Can’t be for me, then. My name is Smiths.

Quotes Jokes

“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

“Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I am warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

Blonde Girlfriend

Q: What's the advantage of having a blonde as a girlfriend?

A: You get to park in handicapped zones.

An Old Fart

A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. The nurses bathe her and set her in a chair at a window.

After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. Again, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," the old woman replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

Musicians and Lightbulbs

Q: How many musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: One, two, one, two, three, four!

Kid Jokes

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."

Victoria's Five-Legged Secret

Did you hear about the woman who has five legs?

Her panties fit her like a glove!

Kid Jokes

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying

to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think

how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,

"There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or “That’s Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the

teacher. She's dead."

Kid Jokes

In Sunday school little Kathy was drawing a Nativity picture…. There were Mary and Joseph, shepherds and wise men.

“What’s that in the corner Kathy?” asked the teacher.

“That’s their TV, of course,” replied Kathy.

Miscellaneous Jokes

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding across the desert when a line of mounted Indians appeared to the right of them. They looked to the left and saw another line of mounted Indians. Behind them they saw another line of mounted Indians.

The Lone Ranger said, "Looks like we're in trouble, Tonto."

Tonto replied, "What do you mean WE, white man?"

Hot Revenge

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.

A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''

The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''

Teachers Jokes

Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?

Peter: Because they had so many knights.