Q. Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by Playboy?

A. It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month....

Walks Into a Bar... Quick Shots

A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender asks, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."

The bartender asks, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

Miscellaneous Jokes

A man walks into a restaurant and is shown to his seat by the hostess. The waiter approaches and asks, "Would you like to try our house special?” The man replies, "No, just bring me a steak, and make it lean". The waiter, somewhat puzzled, looks at him and replies, "which way?"

Idiots Jokes

Simple Joe who is mad for the horses thought he had a sure winner the other day at the track. The tote board listed his horse as starting at 25 to 1, and he knew the race didn’t start until 1:00 p.m.

Doctors Jokes

Doctor: What’s wrong with your bother?

Boy: He thinks he is a chicken.

Doctor: really? How long has this been going on?

Boy: Five years.

Doctor: Five years!

Boy: We would have brought him in earlier, but we needed the eggs.

Police Jokes

This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket."

The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts."

The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, ... I'm giving you a ticket."

Victorian Ladies

How many Victorian ladies does it take to change a lightbulb?

One hundred.

One to replace the bulb and ninety-nine to contract consumption and die beautiful, poetic deaths.

Take Off My Clothes

My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.

Then she told me to take off her skirt.

Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.

One Liners Jokes

Do you know how to catch a squirrel?

Climb a tree and act like a nut!

Congressman's Money

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman!"

The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"

Kid Jokes

Little Sue was standing in front of her mirror with her eyes closed.

“Why are you standing there with your eyes closed?” asked her sister.

“So I can see what I look like when I’m asleep,” she replied.

Judges Jokes

A lawyer who was upset at the verdict that was handed down to his client at the end of the case said. “Your honor with all due respect I accept your ruling. But if it may please the Court sir I'd like to know just WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE!

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

Miscellaneous Jokes

The olympian skier Picabo Street now works in the Intensive Care Unit at a hospital. Unfortunately, the administration told her she can no longer answer the phone, because this is what she said, "Picabo ICU" (Peek-a-boo, I see you)

Mexican Funeral

Q: What's the slowest thing on 80 wheels?

A: A Mexican funeral with only two sets of jumper cables.

Teachers Jokes

Teacher: Now, you must not say, “I ain’t goin’.” You should say, “I am not going, he is not going; we are not going; they are not going.”

Student: Wow! Ain’t nobody goin’ then?

7 ways to annoy a flight attendant...

1- Bring your pet on the plane and then act like an animal.

2- Shove your bag into the first bin you see and then walk to your seat in the back of the plane.

3- Think that because you’re on a plane you’re of duty as a parent.

4- Drag on an oversize bag that's too heavy to lift by your self.

5- Gripe that you haven't been seated in the roomy exit row seat.

6- Act like you don't know the meaning of the words "under the seat in front of you".

7- Whine about the high cost of flying...

Entertainment Jokes

A woman rushes into a hardware store and said, “Can I have a muse trap, please? And will you be quick – I’ve a bus to catch.”

“Sorry, ma’am,” said the assistant, “we don’t sell ‘em that big!”

Holy Shot!

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.

Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''

''No, I guess not,'' says God.

The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.

Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''

To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''

Musician Jokes

Tony was a pianist and was practicing late one night. There was a tap on the door, when he opened it his landlord was standing outside the door. He asked; “do you know there is a sick lady upstairs?"

Tony answered, “no, I haven’t heard that song. Can you please hum it a little?"

Family Jokes

This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. for any one under seventeen years of age. He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted. “Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the garage by eleven.” His father said.

Entertainment Jokes

Mary goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it. Mary walks over to the artist and says, “I don’t understand your paintings.”

“I paint what I feel inside me,” explains the artist.

“Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?”

Miscellaneous Jokes

If you had purchased $1,000 of AIG stock one year ago, you would have $42 left. With Lehman, you would have $6.60 left. With Fannie or Freddie, you would have less than $5 left But if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all of the beer, then turn in the cans for the aluminum recycling Refund, you would have had $214. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It’s called the 401-Keg…..

Ass Kissing and Brown Nosing

Q: What's the only difference between ass kissing and brown nosing?

A: Depth perception.

Frosty the Snowman's Pants

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull his pants down?

A: He heard the snowblower coming.

Entertainment Jokes

Banta's son: Dad there is some one on the door to collect donations for a swimming pool.

Banta: Give him a glass of water.

There's No People Like Snow People

How can you tell the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?

Snow balls

Blonde Smoker

Q: How did the blonde put out her cigarette?

A: She threw it in the water and stepped on it.

Entertainment Jokes

Patty met Eric and said; that’s a nice suit you are wearing.

Eric: Oh, do you like it?

Patty: Yes, who went for the fitting?

Bellboy

Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died.
"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."

Q: What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls?

A: Sparky!

Sweet Talker

On a plane, a man and his wife are offered tea and both accept. The man tries to be sweet to his wife, saying “Pass the sugar, sugar.... Pass the honey, honey.”

Then he says, “Pass the tea, you old bag.”

Question / Answer Jokes

Q: What did the traffic light say to the car?

A: Don't look I'm changing!

Some Plants

"Some plants," said the teacher, "have the prefix 'dog'. For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Now name another plant prefixed by 'dog'."

"I can," shouted a blonde. "Collieflower!"

That's Really Hot

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot -- because you can catch a cold!

Doctors Jokes

At an international medical conference, and American, a German and a Russian were discussing the shortcomings of their diagnoses.

The American said; “I can’t stand it sometimes, “We treat patients for cancer, and they die of AIDS.” “I know what you mean,” said the German “We treat them for yellow fever; ant it turns out they had malaria.” “We don’t have that problem in our country,” said the Russian doctor. “When we treat patients for a disease, they die of that disease.”

Funny Apple

Q: What did the apple say to the orange?

A: I despise you for being different from me.

Idiots Jokes

The mailperson rings the doorbell and as says: I have a parcel here, but the name on its obliterated.

Smiths says: Can’t be for me, then. My name is Smiths.

Quotes Jokes

“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

“Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I am warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

Blonde Girlfriend

Q: What's the advantage of having a blonde as a girlfriend?

A: You get to park in handicapped zones.

An Old Fart

A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. The nurses bathe her and set her in a chair at a window.

After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. Again, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," the old woman replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

Musicians and Lightbulbs

Q: How many musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: One, two, one, two, three, four!

Kid Jokes

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."

Victoria's Five-Legged Secret

Did you hear about the woman who has five legs?

Her panties fit her like a glove!

Kid Jokes

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying

to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think

how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,

"There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or “That’s Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the

teacher. She's dead."

Kid Jokes

In Sunday school little Kathy was drawing a Nativity picture…. There were Mary and Joseph, shepherds and wise men.

“What’s that in the corner Kathy?” asked the teacher.

“That’s their TV, of course,” replied Kathy.

Miscellaneous Jokes

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding across the desert when a line of mounted Indians appeared to the right of them. They looked to the left and saw another line of mounted Indians. Behind them they saw another line of mounted Indians.

The Lone Ranger said, "Looks like we're in trouble, Tonto."

Tonto replied, "What do you mean WE, white man?"

Hot Revenge

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.

A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''

The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''

Teachers Jokes

Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?

Peter: Because they had so many knights.

Give or Take a Gazillion

The Secretary of Defense is briefing President Bush on Iraq. "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "That's terrible!"

His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.

Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Entertainment Jokes

Goofy Fred took a friend driving on a narrow mountain road. After a while the friend said, “I feel very scared whenever you go around one of those sharp bends.”

“Then do what I do,” said Fred, “close your eyes.”

Blonde Loses Sweet Job

Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M&M factory?
She threw away all the "W&W's"